1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine ..

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Lets be careful out there !

I know how you get down from a duck.

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Its not always the biggest and the bestest, its them that make the least mistakes.

I was up at the Pub with a mate the other night.
After a few beers I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us. I told my friend, "That's us in ten years time" mate.

He said "That's a mirror, dickhead!

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When a crash seems inevitable, try to hit the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

I'm nicking that!

Like I did then

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Lets be careful out there !

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

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Its not always the biggest and the bestest, its them that make the least mistakes.

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his
face light up when he opened it

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Its not always the biggest and the bestest, its them that make the least mistakes.

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Lets be careful out there !

I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis
tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for
the show......

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Its not always the biggest and the bestest, its them that make the least mistakes.

I need a 'bash 'im' icon!