‘I decided to sell my Hoover, well it was just collecting dust.’

‘I went to the doctor’s. I said: “Whenever I pass from one country to another, I have to get drunk.” He said: “You’re a borderline alcoholic.” ‘

‘I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said; “I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.” He said: “Have to love Easter, baby.” ‘

‘Exit signs? They’re on the way out!’

‘Velcro? What a rip-off!’

‘Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.’

‘I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.’

‘I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought: “I can’t turn that down.”

‘Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.’

‘I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.’

‘So I rang up British Telecom and said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said, “Not you again.” ‘

‘Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.’

‘I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.” ‘

‘A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.’

‘I wanted to be a milkman, but I didn’t have the bottle.’

‘I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He asked: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” ‘

‘I rang up my local swimming pool, I said; “Is that the local swimming pool?” He replied; “It depends where you’re coming from.” ‘