Old but worth a re-look
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about how you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR hard earned tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago religion was born.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion Pounds ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
V.A.T.
Marriage Licence Tax
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle Licence Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world. Mum stayed home to raise the kids, Dad was allowed to discipline kids
a criminals life was uncomfortable.
What the hell happened?
'Political Correctness', ‘Politicians or both?'
I hope this goes around theUK and beyond
at least 100 times.

_________________
Its not always the biggest and the bestest, its them that make the least mistakes.

Never heard that before. Brilliant (assuming the maths is correct).

THE PROMISED LAND


Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land"

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned shovels to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised fuel bills, given my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy Bankers and increased Vat to 20%.

I am so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck???.

_________________
Its not always the biggest and the bestest, its them that make the least mistakes.

Excellent!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

_________________
Its not always the biggest and the bestest, its them that make the least mistakes.